How to Talk to Your Partner About ED
A practical, no-shame step-by-step guide from Men’s Room
If you are reading this, there is a good chance you have been carrying erectile dysfunction (ED) quietly for a while.
Most men do. Not because they do not love their partner, and not because they do not want intimacy, but because ED can hit a man right in the identity. It can feel like failure. Like you are “less of a man”. Like you have let your partner down.
None of that is true. ED is common, often physical, and very treatable. But the silence around it can be more damaging than the symptoms.
This guide will help you talk to your partner about ED in a way that is calm, confident, and practical, without turning it into a dramatic “we need to talk” moment.
Why the conversation matters
When ED is not spoken about, couples tend to fill the gaps with unhelpful stories:
“They are not attracted to me anymore.”
“He is cheating.”
“She is judging me.”
“If I bring it up, it will make it worse.”
The truth is usually simpler: your body is not cooperating right now and you feel embarrassed.
A short, honest conversation reduces pressure and makes intimacy easier. It also gives you both a shared plan, rather than a private problem.
Step-by-step: what to say and how to say it
Step 1: Pick the right moment (not in the bedroom)
Do not start this talk when things have just gone wrong, or when you are both in bed trying to be intimate.
Pick a neutral moment: a walk, in the kitchen, in the car, or after dinner.
Aim for calm, not romance.
Step 2: Start with clarity, not an apology
You do not need to grovel. You do not need a long speech. You need a clear opener.
Try one of these:
“I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind. I’ve been having some erection issues, and I don’t want it to sit between us.”
“I’ve noticed sex has felt more stressful lately because my erections aren’t reliable. I want us to be on the same team with it.”
“This is a bit awkward to say, but I trust you. I’ve been dealing with ED and I want to handle it properly.”
Keep it simple. Confidence is not pretending it is not uncomfortable. Confidence is talking anyway.
Step 3: Reassure them about the thing they might be worrying about
Many partners will immediately wonder if it is about attraction or fidelity.
Say it plainly:
“This isn’t about you or my attraction to you.”
“I’m still very attracted to you. This is physical, and it’s affecting my confidence.”
“I want closeness with you. I just don’t want us to measure closeness only by penetration.”
This one step alone can reduce tension massively.
Step 4: Name the real impact (without making it their responsibility)
ED is not just physical. It changes how a man feels, and that affects how he shows up.
You might say:
“When it happens, I feel embarrassed and I go into my head.”
“I start overthinking and then it becomes a pressure situation.”
“Sometimes I pull away because I’m trying to avoid it happening again.”
This helps your partner understand what is going on emotionally, without them having to guess.
Step 5: Make a practical plan together
This is where the conversation becomes productive instead of “woolly”.
Choose one or two actions:
Option A: Agree on a pressure-free reset for sex
For the next 2–3 weeks, take penetration off the table.
Focus on touch, kissing, massage, oral, and closeness without “performance goals”.
This removes the silent test that makes ED worse.
Option B: Agree on a simple signal
Create a quick phrase either of you can use if pressure starts building:
“Let’s slow it down.”
“No pressure.”
“Let’s just enjoy this.”
It sounds small, but it stops the spiral.
Option C: Agree to get it assessed properly
You do not need to figure it out alone. ED can be linked to blood flow, stress load, medication, metabolic health, and more.
A proper assessment gives you:
clarity on likely causes
the right treatment options
a plan you can actually follow
Step 6: Close the conversation in a strong way
Do not leave it hanging like a sad confession.
Try:
“I’m glad I told you. I feel better already.”
“I want us to handle this like a team.”
“I’m going to take action on it, and I appreciate you being with me in it.”
That final note matters. It signals leadership, not helplessness.
What not to do
Do not wait until the next time it happens and then try to talk in the moment.
Do not make promises like “it will never happen again” (no one can guarantee that).
Do not joke to deflect if your partner is trying to connect seriously.
Do not assume your partner will judge you. Many feel relieved you brought it up.
If the conversation goes badly
Sometimes a partner reacts with frustration, rejection, or worry. That does not always mean they are cruel. It often means they have been feeling confused and unwanted too.
If emotions run high:
Pause and come back to it later.
Re-state the key truth: “I’m attracted to you. This is physical and I’m taking it seriously.”
Suggest professional support if needed (medical assessment, sex therapy, couples counselling).
The Men’s Room approach
At Men’s Room, we see this all the time: good men who love their partner, but feel stuck in silence.
The goal is not just better erections. It is restoring confidence, closeness, and a sense of control.
If you want help understanding what is driving your ED and what to do next, a simple first step is a confidential call to map out your options.